underneath the stars
I'll wait for you darling.

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Monday, April 05, 2010
Tough Ride
Sister: You will be leaving for Australia pretty soon to do your degree. Although our relationship are not the best I've ever had, although I seem to yak at you alot, although I seem to probe too much most of the times, I still love you. Not just because we are connected by blood, or that I've lived with you for the past 22 years. God put us together for a reason. It is to learn to accept each other's flaws, to stand by and support each other in times of happiness and in times of need, to love each other conditionally and to help me swallow things down and to put in the extra mile. But sometimes when you are not trying to understand and reciprocate the effort and love, it can be really difficult for me to be the one sided party and the journey gets tougher. Sometimes, I feel like giving up but I hang on because I don't want us to be/ feel like strangers when we have our own lives. I know she feels unfair because it seems like dad loves me more. But I believe like what dad said, they show their love differently to their children (sis, bro and I). Their love for me may be the obvious one but I dare they that they love my siblings equally. Just that they may not show their love to them as obvious as they show to me. Sometimes I tell bro about you not because I want to tell your dirty deeds, it is because I know bro can relate to you better and that you would listen to him rather than me. Jun, I do love you and want our relationship to be better. I'm trying hard to work things out. Nothing is holding me back. So what's holding you? We weren't like that when we were much younger. What made you change? Some problems should be shared with siblings. And although I know you treat your friends very importantly, ultimately, they can't be there for you forever. Family is the one who will be there.

Brother: You have always been close to me. You have mellow down alot since you entered army. But sometimes, even though your arguments are logical, you refuse to admit that you are in the wrong. Try to look things in my point of view. I know we share many things and advise each other,  we have similar characters, we have similar interest and taste, you tell me your views and opinions, try to correct me and make me kick my bad habits, but do take time to think on my views. I know you do listen but that's usually when you need to reaffirm your stand. Sometimes, it's good to listen instead of just hearing. I may not be as good as you in putting my thoughts into the correct words and may be blunt, but I am just trying to get my points across and mean no harm. You do give good advices and has a good judgment of charters. I do wonder if we will keep our relationship this close in future. I hope we do. I love you and you will always be my beloved brother.

Parents: Mum and dad are not getting younger anymore. I noticed recently that mum, you have aged alot. Like really alot. And your memory is really getting worse. Your naggings are getting more frequent. You can repeat the same questions like 3 times in 5-10 mins. I know being a super mum isn't easy. Working, trying to sustain a family and managing the household right after work. We always say your cooking doesn't taste very good, doesn't know how to appreciate art and music, doesn't try to understand us, but we love you. I always seem to be impatient and raise my voice sometimes, but deep inside, I do appreciate you and in fact, I envy you. You started out as a small secretary but still managed to give us a comfortable life. Mum, I love you although I don't say it.
Dad, you have been working hard all these years. Thank you for all the advices you have given me. I know you and mum have alot of expectations of me and I don't seem to live up to them. You both plan my route but it turned out that I am the most disappointing of the 3 children. I don't mean to go against your expectations. I know you want me to succeed in life the way you want me to. You both watch so tightly over me that once I got that little freedom, I push it to the limits. I know we have some trust issues here. But if you had trusted me, I would do things that break the trust. I tell you my locations and who I am with, but somehow, you both had your doubts. You doubt my friends, you don't like my job, you doubt my words when I am telling the truth and most importantly, you didn't give me the trust that I deserved. I pray that you will continue to love me despite being such a disappointment. No matter what, you will always be my parents.

Selina: Sel, I have known you for almost 2 years. Although I don't like your drinking habits, although I seem to complain about you sometimes, although we don't hang out so often, you are my best friend. You are there for me when I need you. You may not know about it, but it really encourages me, to know that a friend actually cares about me and provides a listening ear. We may seem to have some disagreements about certain things, at the end of the day, we look at each other's views, think about it, laugh about it and talk about it. Sometimes you piss me off, sometimes I piss you off, but we still managed to forgive and forget. Thank you for being such a good friend.

Xiang Hao, Ray, Sin How and Alvin: You guys are great and fun people. Thank Xiang Hao for being there when I need you, for lending me a listening ear, and for allowing me to ton. We have our differences but we managed to relate to each other. You know when to joke and when to be serious. You're very frank and have no motives. You are a really good friend.
Ray!!! Aka Farhan Saminadin.Haha.. I know your real name darling. You are a great friend to party with! Not missing out that you give good advices, a good listening ear and someone to gossip with! You have been a good friend to me. We should totally hang out soon and intro our partners!
Sin How, although we have just know each other not long ago, you are someone I can relate to. And you are definitely not just some fair weather friend. I know that being an ah sia kia, people often make friends with you for the wrong reasons and therefore, you might be extra careful in making friends. I may seem half hearted ever since I got together Kenneth, but the truth is I've been pretty stressed out and tired over exams. I know that's not an excuse but I hope you can understand my situation. You drive me around, go for supper, movies and I do appreciate that. I might have taken you for granted sometimes. But I hope you will be patient with me and keep this friendship growing.
Alvin, you have been a great friend, great listener, great adviser and a person to hang out with! Thank you for taking the time to listen to my rants and reassuring my faith in God. You always take time out to attend my outings, take time out to help me when I know you are really busy at times. I cherish our friendship. See you on Saturday! =))

JC 1 clique (Sam, Humphrey, Sean Tan and Phillip), Super 4 (Kenneth, John, Beng Li and Keith) Norliyah and gang (Qi Jie, Fahmy, Pei Ching and Selina): You all have been great friends! May we continue to meet up regularly and may our friendship grow. I know we have our own lives and are busy/ held up with work/ studies, but I believe as long as we make some time, we can work something out!

I have recently been attached to you and it is not easy being your 1st girlfriend. You have to be patient with my careless actions, blunt remarks and clumsy character. I have to be patient with your learning process of being a good boyfriend, if not, the best boyfriend, your flaws (you know what I am talking about) and your silliness. =P
I will put in the best I have to make this relationship work. I am quite determined to make this my last. And I know you are quite determined to make this relationship work out too. I know some people are not supportive of us and it can be quite discouraging at times but ultimately, we are the ones who will work our magic. Like you said, nothing is written on stone. We are the ones to determine our future. So baby, I promise to put in my utmost effort. Although we had some minor hiccups, we worked it out and got over it. Life can only get better. I want to see you everyday and I miss you like oxygen when you are not with me. You have been patient and kind with me. Though we have totally different characters, they complement us and make this relationship interesting. It may be challenging and a rocky road ahead. So, be prepared for a bumpy ride. On a lighter note, at least we have similar interests, we have unique habits (hehe..) and these are little things that bonds us together. I never once thought of comparing you with my ex-es and I know you try to be an ideal boyfriend. But baby, I love you for who and what you are, including your flaw and bad habits. Try but don't try too hard alright? Things will eventually work out between us. You believe in us and so do I. I can't wait to see you! We will study hard together, encourage each other, support each other and understand each other. I cherish all the things that you are doing for me. =D

God has always been in my life. Though I may not have realized before, I now know that You have been merciful and graceful to me. Being a confused and troubled teen, I may have hated my life when I was at my lowest, refusing to let go and let God, but You didn't give up on me. You sent people and signs to motivate me and encourage me. I usually feel like You are not here, not doing enough for me, but probably that's because I didn't take the time to listen and not doing enough for You instead. I give thanks to You to show that I still have you in my life. I know I have to pray more often and attend church regularly. This has been my longest 'leave' from church and I know this is not healthy. I want to see people accepting You and grow in You but I have not been doing so myself. I have to start first in order to lead. I need to find back my heart and my way back to You. Please me patient with me Lord. I still love You, need You and want You in my life. Thank You for watching over me.

I'm already reaching 23 and my thinking screw have yet to be opened. Joel's has already been unscrewed. He's retaking A levels this year and seriously studying hard. I know it's kind of late but I still hope to scrape through this year. Exams are only a month away from now. How fast time flies. I pray to have a vision and a clear direction in my life. I know I won't succeed if I continue like this. I hope to do what I want (hairstyling) in the near future and find my talent in there. I just want to lead is comfortable life. I need not live in a big apartment but at least have enough money to lead a comfortable life and raise a happy family of 5.

I guess this is the longest blog I have ever wrote. I spent almost 3 hours writing it! The weather has been lazy lately. Oh man, I know it's not an excuse to laze around. Alright, time to turn in! Classes early in the morning tomorrow. It's going to be a long day.. =X
Good night, world.

Thinking of you till 1:57 AM